Ready? Set? Hang on a minute…
Internet At Your Pace
Tired of the fast paced world of Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook and YouTube? Sick of being up-to-date on everything every second of the day? Kick back in your easy chair and let Super Slow Internet take you on a tour around the World Wide Web at a pace you can handle.
As The Only Provider In Your Area, You’ll Learn To Love Us!
Reliably Frustrating–Guaranteed!
We do away with the promises of great support and reliability, offering the crummy services you’re already used to without the marketing hype.
We’re not gonna lie and tell you about all the great things we’ll never give you after you sign the agreement. We’ll give you Internet access, oversold in most areas and support that will frustrate you every single time you call.
Welcome to Super Slow Internet!
Where’s all the data going, Bob?
Join the dozens of happy Super Slow Internet customers today!
Our members enjoy the excitement of constantly changing data plans and frequent warnings about data overages. Sure, we know (most of you) are just checking email and logging onto Facebook once in a while to look at photos of the grandkids, when you’re able to get on, but it’s our job to make sure you’re not hogging your neighbors data, right Bob.
Super Slow Internet Pricing and Plans
Email and not much else
Up to
33.6K
Of blazing phone line speed.
Do you still have one of those?
Uploads? Forget about it. Video streaming? Nope.
Email? It’s all you can do but it’ll work.
Customer supplies the modem. Service is mostly guaranteed to work. One year term must be signed upon installation.
Streaming Package
Up to
1.3Mbps
Stream all the animated gif’s you want, some video, check email, visit web sites
Includes a whopping 1GB data plan.
We’ll do our best to get you the full
speed you’re paying for!
Service is guaranteed to work sometimes. Other times, not so much. One year term must be signed upon installation.
The Internet is yours
Up to
1.8Mpbs
Hold on to your hat, this is for the pro Internet user that needs it all
Includes an always used up data plan.
Uploads, downloads, it’s all here.
Play games, stream movies and get your work done (no promises)
Service oversold in most areas. Cannot guarantee anything (but problems). One year term must be signed upon installation.
Professional Business Package
2Mbps
Always on – Unlimited data plan
Just like your neighbors, you’ll suffer the exact same outages, lag and other problems but you’ll be able to brag that you pay way more for it. And it’s a Business Plan. Oooh. You’re welcome!
No way in hell will this work but once you’ve signed, your on your own.
What Our Customers Are Saying
Just a sampling of some of the reviews we get each day from our loyal customers.
“I woke up from a 20 year power nap and discovered no one reads books anymore, they’re too busy on this thing called the Internet and playing with shiny boxes they hold in their hands. I tried to figure it all out, but it just moved way too fast for me. Super Slow Internet gives me the kind of service I prefer. I can nap to their beautiful hold music and they are kind enough to just let me sleep. All for just $59.95/month. Best naps ever!”
“I’ve been working the last 7 years to launch MyFace, a social media company for people who only post selfies. Most days I’m tired and cranky from all the rejection emails I receive from potential investors who can’t see how amazing MyFace could be. Super Slow Internet delivers the bad news to my inbox at a pace I can handle, letting me spread out the tears of frustration throughout the whole day.”
“Working from home gets kind of lonely and sometimes a guy just needs to take a break and look at some interesting photos and videos on the Internet, if you know what I mean. I had a few uncomfortable incidents with my wife coming home unexpectedly during the day and finding me “relaxing” on the couch. Since we switched to Super Slow Internet, I find myself dozing off from boredom waiting for videos to download. Your crappy service saved my marriage and my job! Thanks!”
Sponsored by www.outagesio.com. Please see the About SSI section for more
Yup, this site is sponsored by www.OutagesIO.com, providing consumers a way to automatically monitor their Internet service and provider.
If you suffer ongoing, intermittent Internet problems and want to know what’s going on, try www.OutagesIO.com.
Our Community version is always free so you can start monitoring your Internet service and provider within minutes.